


Dear Eating Disorder

by iceprinceofbelair



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Epistolary, Gen, Introspection, Recovery, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-04 01:30:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13353669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iceprinceofbelair/pseuds/iceprinceofbelair
Summary: Viktor is seventeen when he’s first diagnosed with an eating disorder. The day he turns twenty, he can’t eat a slice of his birthday cake. The day he turns twenty, he writes a goodbye letter.





	Dear Eating Disorder

Dear Eating Disorder,

Saying goodbye to you will never be this simple but I’m taking this first step now and it’s long overdue. Admitting you’re even here is difficult for me but that’s part of what recovery is about. That’s what Dr Moroshkin says anyway. 

I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. And I can hear you screaming at me right now but somehow you’re not as loud as usual. I suppose this is a good sign even if it’s terrifying to feel you slipping away from me. I’ve been so lonely for so many years and you’ve been my only constant companion. But we can’t go on like this. I know you’re trying to keep me safe and make me feel good about myself but, the truth is, I feel worse every day you’re with me.

You say that I’d be nothing without you and that you’re the only thing that makes me special. But I know there’s more to me than that. I’m a nationally ranked figure skater. I got bronze at the GPF last year. I have friends. I have Yakov. I’m good at taking care of Makkachin and I’m fun at parties. I am all of these things with you and I will be these things when you’re gone.

You say that you get me the attention and love that I crave by keeping me weak. I hear you now, telling me that the world only loves me because I’m pretty and delicate, and maybe that’s true, but I don’t need the whole world to love me. I only need one person. I’m not sure who that will be yet. But I’m sure they’re out there and they’ll love me regardless. I know they will. Yakov always says I’m a hopeless romantic but I really do think there’s someone out there who was made especially for me. Acknowledging that I use you to seek out affection and attention is difficult to admit but I know in my heart you’re right. But that stops today. There are other ways I can get attention and love from my friends without manipulating them into holding me. I’m lonely and you keep me lonely by never letting me get close enough to ask them to just hug me.

The worst thing you say is that I’ll be fat without you. I’m scared of that. I won’t be able to skate if I’m fat. But I also won’t be able to skate if I’m unhealthy. I know that my body is eating my muscles when I don’t feed it and I can’t land my triple axel without strength. There’s so little fat left for you to eat that you’re feasting on my heart and I can’t let you do that anymore. I might put on weight and that thought scares me. But I’m ready to make a change. I’m ready to be healthy. I’m ready to stop struggling and start living. Hunger pangs don’t drown out the crippling loneliness in the pit of my stomach and I don’t think they ever will.

I’m afraid of recovery. I’m afraid that I’ll come crawling right back to you when I slip up. But I know that’s your voice in my head. You’re trying to convince me not to try because you’re scared I’ll succeed and I understand that. But I’m ready. This is a process and it’s going to take a long time and a lot of practice - like that damn death drop I flubbed in China - but I’m ready to be healthy. I can’t be a role model if I’m dying.

There are so many things to look forward to when I’m healthy. Imagine - being on the ice without thinking about food; eating when I’m hungry without feeling like I have to earn every meal; looking at an apple without seeing its exact nutritional value. It’s a whole new world and I’m ready.

I can hear you saying now that I can’t do this on my own. And you’re right. But I’m not alone. I have Yakov and I have Dr Moroshkin. I can feel you running out of arguments and I know that must be scary. I know you’re trying to convince me to push people away so that you can keep me lonely. I listen to you when I’m lonely. And I know you’re terrified of hearing my friends say the things you say about me so you push them away before they can. But I don’t want to live this life anymore. 

I’m ready now and I know you’re still afraid but that’s okay because I’m scared too. But we’re in this together and we’re on our way.

Yours,

Viktor x


End file.
